Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
