wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
