cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
