I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
