If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
