Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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