If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
