He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
