Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
