I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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