I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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