just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
