Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
