he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
