So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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