I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
