You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
