I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
