Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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