my being single is dangerous.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
