Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
