I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
