I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
