Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
