You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
