I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
