i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
