My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
