dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
