Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
