and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
