you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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