And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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