i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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