The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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