we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
is that a dick in a sweater?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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