I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
