I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
