yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
