I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
