Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
