How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
