I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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