Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
