don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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