That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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