I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
