dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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