I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
