too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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