Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
