I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
